Hearts and Mindfulness
FORWARD: SOCIABILITY WAS AN ONLINE MAGAZINE DEDICATED TO “LIVING GENEROUSLY AND SERVING JOYFULLY.”
AN IDEA BORN DURING THE THROES OF COVID, SOCIABILITY CAME TO LIFE THROUGH MY FRIENDSHIP WITH TONY RUTIGLIANO. WITH TONY AS THE PUBLISHER AND ME AS EXECUTIVE EDITOR, WE LAUNCHED SOCIABILITY AS A DIFFERENT KIND OF ONLINE MAGAZINE. WE RECRUITED FRIENDS, FRIENDS OF FRIENDS, AND STRANGERS WHO BECAME FRIENDS TO WRITE STORIES ABOUT THEIR LIVES AND TO SERVE ON OUR BOARD. EVERYONE WAS A VOLUNTEER. IT WAS A MAGAZINE FULL OF WAYS THAT PEOPLE ARE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER. OUR CONTRIBUTORS AND I SHARED STORIES OF FRESH AIR AND DOGS, LOOKING BACK AND LOOKING AHEAD, LOVING PEOPLE JUST AS THEY ARE (INCLUDING YOURSELF), SHARING ONE’S TALENTS AND ENTHUSIASM WITH OTHERS, DADS SPENDING TIME WITH DAUGHTERS, MOMS SUPPORTING ONE ANOTHER, AND BAKING REALLY GOOD CAKE. FOR ME, THE EXPERIENCE OF WORKING WITH OUR CONTRIBUTORS WAS EXTRAORDINARY.
THE MAGAZINE EXISTED FROM NOVEMBER 2020 - MAY 2022. WE STILL SEE LITTLE GLIMMERS OF ITS IMPACT TODAY, WHICH SAYS TO US THAT SOCIABILITY LIVED A GOOD LIFE. THAT’S ABOUT THE BEST THING YOU CAN SAY ABOUT SOMEONE OR SOMETHING WHEN YOU SAY GOOD-BYE.
hERE’S ONE OF MY STORIES, ORIGINALLY WRITTEN FOR SOCIABILITY AND NOW RETURNED TO ME TO SHARE WITH YOU.
Photo by Penelope James. “The mime embodies mindfulness by connecting with others in complete silence without the use of words. Being mindful and present connects us all.”
My husband Brian, dog Bentley and I live in a three-bedroom home that a real estate agent would describe as “cozy.” To us, it’s just right. No matter where we are, we’re not that far away from each other but far enough to have privacy when we need it.
As our years together have gone by in our cozy house, Brian and I forged a habit of talking to each other from different rooms. No, not talking. More like hollering or, as my high school drama teacher would call it, “projecting.” He’ll be in the office, for instance, looking for a file stored our old desktop computer. I’ll be in the living room. He’ll call out to me, “WHERE’S THAT PICTURE STORED AGAIN?” and I’ll respond with, “I THINK IT’S IN THE FAMILY PHOTOS 2012 FOLDER,” and he’ll call back, “NO, I DON’T SEE IT THERE,” and I’ll respond again with, “LOOK IN THE MISCELLANEOUS 2012 PHOTOS FOLDER,” then there’ll be a pause before he says, “OKAY, THANKS.”
There’s nothing wrong with this or any habit until there is. Once this particular habit of ours was firmly in place, we both began multi-tasking while hollering to and fro. In the previous scenario, add in Brian being on the phone with his mom and add in me writing this story on my laptop. Now the physical distance between us has to compete with the fact that we aren’t giving each other much priority in our cerebrums, either.
Meanwhile, I started noticing that sometimes I would be surprised by new information that Brian claimed he had already told me. Sometimes I would get frustrated that I needed to tell him something two or three times. Normal joking around about being forgetful didn’t seem so funny anymore.
And then it hit us. We weren’t together in these conversations in any meaningful way. We allowed multi-tasking to be more important than listening, and in the end, we ended up wasting more time repeating ourselves and feeling frustrated, even “unheard.”
It was time to undo this habit. Because I like words, I came up with a tagline (of course I did) that we both have permission to say to each other when we find ourselves easing back into our conversational easy chairs in separate rooms.
“If I can see you, I can hear you.”
If you want it to be, I guess this could be a message to the world. It might also be a fundamental tool for practicing mindfulness. To me, it’s just helping my sweetie and me spend more minutes in the day looking into each other’s eyes.